The Least Eventful Day in History

Jon Steinhagen

She awoke early. He slept in. She crept into the bed in which her mother and father were sleeping and sweat the sheets. He ignored his alarm because he thought it was part of his dream. A few had only just fallen asleep before they had to get up. She awoke thinking she had not dreamt. They woke up and remained in bed thinking about this and that. She awoke disoriented. She and he awoke refreshed. He and she and a few others were awakened by the incessant barking of that damn dog next door.

He was up and showered and breakfasted and on the way to the airport in less than forty-five minutes. She was sick. His neck was stiff. They brushed and flossed. He shaved. She took a pill. She and she took a whole raft of pills. He washed his face. They used an astringent. He coughed and coughed until he thought his spine would crack. He brought her a tray. She
retrieved the paper. They got online. She took a moment to watch a cardinal perched on a branch just outside her window. She made orange juice. They were seated by the waitress. He used too much hair gel. They played with dolls. He let the dog out. She looked for those earrings that had belonged to her mother’s aunt. He took the car out of the garage. They waited for the train. She packed everything she could think of. He called his brother. He and he and a few others elevated the bad foot. She read three articles and posted a reply to the middle one. They argued about the coat. He waited in line. They had sex. She picked up her parents and took them to the funeral home so they could make the arrangements.

He clocked in. He and she and he made an important decision regarding the basement. He spent more money than he had planned. She found him very attractive. They had a very loud phone conversation in public. She told everybody to take a piece. He held the baby. She didn’t know where the next meal was coming from. He turned right without using his directional. They shouted. He caught the ball. She ran out of cumin. He had to sit down and catch his breath. He and she swam immediately after eating. She slapped him. Many of them shivered. He held court. She gave up on the crossword. They struggled. They played Rack-o and were not very good at it.

She said I could go on like this forever.

He had to shovel the snow when the kid didn’t show up. He and he and some of them shocked the people they were with. He used the toilet. She raised the hem. Many of them crossed the street at the crosswalk. He tried to get comfortable. She went through all the old letters. They spoke. A handful of them stopped for a few moments because they didn’t know what to do next.

He said It doesn’t look bad.

She called AAA. He ordered a patty melt and fries and a medium RC. She was stung by a bee but didn’t cry. He learned to walk. They couldn’t remember anything or anyone. She visited.

He remembered the CD. A few of them used a gift card they thought had expired. He served the drinks. He and she submitted their reviews. She did three loads of laundry. He walked between the cars jingling a cup of coins. She and she and a few others found parking. He pooped his pants. She sang. Most of them stretched. He removed a stone from his shoe.
She said Hi I’ll be right with you.

He cheated at cards. They checked in. He steamed the suit. They noticed the farm. She found all of the photograph albums. He sold the Corvette. They went down for a nap. She baked an apple pie. He wondered what was keeping him. She and she and he got a senior discount. A small amount of them felt tired.

He said I can’t I just can’t.

She turned on the lights. He signed the lease. She responded. Some of them bought the day-old bread. She bailed the water. He set the table. She put her in her place. He listened to “Estrellita” four times in a row. They became belligerent. She chose the wire frames. He watched him eat both halves of the squash. Some made a mistake in the checkbook. He and they tuned a guitar. She let go of the balloon.

She said I believe in making morally responsible choices.

He cleaned the pool and found two quarters. She applied the rash cream for the fifth day in a row. They coughed. Some of them hailed a taxi. She had to put some items back. She took her sister’s doll. He emptied his safe deposit box. He and he poured the concrete. They took the picture. She thought ahead. A bunch of them mopped up the spill. He finally told her. They suddenly sneezed. She initially wavered.

He sat down. She reclined. They plopped. He took out the garbage. She asked for some kind of help any kind of help. A few of them thought the airplane was not an airplane. He left. She made it oh so obvious.

They said their first word.

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